Constipation of a writer

Well…ummm…dunno…where to start with!

Of late, some colleagues have realized that I am a writer!

While people doubt my competency over words saying “Exams mein toh hum bhi writer ban jaate hai, nayi baat bata” (During exams even we become imaginatively advanced writers, what good are you for! 🙂 😛

Exams! How imaginative those three hours used to be for me, especially in the case of social studies….what long stories!

Some of my constipated writings, which strived hard to make the impact 😉

Constipation of a writer

Question 1: In which year did Columbus discovered America, illustrate the discovery!

Answer: Columbus discovered America somewhere between the years 1620 – 1630…. The fact that America’s too vast to be discovered in a year, historians have suggested a liberative estimate. Columbus started his voyage from southern Greece, which at that time was known as ancient Mesopotamia! Since his birth he had this urge to discover things, at the age of 3 he discovered his name was Columbus! Subsequently, he also discovered that 9 came after 8 and that sky is blue and roses are red.

My teacher thrashed me and called me a HISTORY SHEATER… 🙂

Question 2: Describe the advantages and relevance of Steppes Farming.

Answer: Steppes is one of the more popular farming across southern Asia as they follow a step-by-step policy towards the “Developed Countries Group”. Another reason is that people are health conscious and want to exercise while farming collectively. This is also one reason that China and Japan lead the Olympic medal race almost constantly. Steppes is also known as TERRACE FARMING, and therefore people is the southern Asian region water the terraces with harvested rain water. Terrace farming is also known as terror farming in certain regions (Pakistan, Afghanistan, Iraq etc.).

Note for Examiner: While I know that my knowledge of the subject is deep, I expect at least a 9/10 for this answer.

When this answer was disclosed to my principal, she was instinctively determined to throw me off her bungalow’s terrace. 😛

While I still live to tell the story, I will continue back to the topic “Constipation of a writer”!

I’ve seen many people associate writers in their back of their mind as “a puffy eyed nerd, ideally wearing specs, somewhat poor earning fella whose diet comprises of cigarettes, tea/ coffee, or both, a mild alcoholic maybe….and as lost as a sand grain in the Pacific Ocean!

Interestingly people associate similar things (cigarette, coffee and tea) to a constipate who fails to flush down plum desires… More interestingly there are similar things for a writer, but the other way round!

A writer needs to flush his thoughts out of his mind for maybe some creative purpose (for a moment, please forget that I am a writer 😀 )!


I’ve seen managers gathering for a 5 minute “Sutta break” (sutta = cigarette) to discuss an issue that is bothering their obedient lives and sledging the boardroom knives. What do I see? A creepy issue that had the usually sophisticated managers pulling their hair apart in the long MEETING hours, does a juggle through the smoke rings, and bang comes the solution!

Similarly, it’s a cup of tea or coffee that works for the people whose teeth titter by a fortune forecast image on the cigarette packs. Or may be their family doctors suggest that the body seems unfamiliar with lungs…

For some, it’s the conscience of salvaging the best of both worlds! 🙂 Coffee n cigarette…hallelujah!

I think the concept is, it’s just not the WRITER, the STRATEGIST or the THINKER, it is anybody and everybody who thinks a cup of coffee or tobacco incense is the solution.

That is it; it’s just a herd of constipated thinkers, and not just the constipation of a writer!














It’s over buddy… (Seems, my writing is addictive, and you just can’t stop banging your head over empty space) 🙂


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Why this Jhol-a-very Di!

The title seems interesting eh! Given the fact that Kolaveri has gone viral, this might go influenza. One reason why I chose this name is  for a marketing gimmick, and I’ll be candid about it! 🙂

The other reason being the Phunny English, weird words and flop songs involved 😛

Frankly speaking the title seems absurd and outwardly stupid, and I have no qualms in accepting that I was testing my nerdy symptoms here.

Now getting back to the point, what the hell is the post about?

Well I have had a bad day or even better a frustrating day, and this post is an outpour of my pseudo-intellect parallelism (don’t bother understanding this, it’s just something absurd).

I have this habit, whenever I feel infuriated; I want to laugh out loud at this world, myself, sneaky neighbors, constipate-faced bosses, and almost everybody!

Will start with some excellent English verbatim by a P.T teacher (shared by one of my fry-ends)

There is no wind in the football – Because wind is in the air buddy!

I talk, he talk, Why you middle talk? – In the middle of know-where!

You rotate the ground four times – Must be Rajnikanth…mind it! (see the connect 😉 )

You go ‘n understnd the tree – Be eco –friendly dude!

I’ll give you clap – For clap-tivating performance!

Bring your parents with Your Mom ‘n Dad – Applicable only for westerners!

Form a straight circle – With a curved scale!

Open the window let the atmosphere come in – Inhale the wind in air!

The other thing I am gonna blabber about is the changing genre of Bollywood songs. It all started with “Beedi” and now it seems like everybody’s going foolhardy over songs that originated from truck drivers, rehab folks and dingy streets. Last evening, I heard this song “Pauwa laga ke ayi, chikni chameli”! I mean the lyrics are so mess-merizing that you just can’t help pulling off your shoe (yes, even when your socks stink!).

The creativity seems to be taking a new high every second, from See-la ki Jawani, Munni ki bad-naami, Chaalu ke thoo-mke and bhatt not! I imagine next would be something like this:

Champa chatori leke katori

Rangili puspa

Besaram bijuria katili nazaria

Adhia lagake pallu ghumake

I know…I know I should stop here…. you’ve been very patient all this while, and I don’t want to go to the dentist this weekend! 😀

So keep your cool, take a deep breath and smile! 🙂

The motto of this post! Nothing… just wanted to start this year with smiles… No offence intended!


Oh yeah, by the way…. HAPPY NEW YEAR 😀

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Maar Daala O-S(hy)ama (Part 2)

So, hope you guys had a good long weekend! 😀

This is my way to sign in to another nerve clenching episode of Maar Daala O-s(hy)ama – part 2 (just making sure it sounds interesting!)

So the characters: Me (the victim), Shyama (or verbal Osama) and Sudhir (Mr. Cunning) at the Chinese Restaurant in CP.


“It was around 2 when we reached CP, and then Lunch time! We went to a Chinese Restaurant, and then the menu with tongue twisting names was next on my Foe’s list. I was hungry and going bananas, but my dear friend was busy fiddling with the item names.”


We had to decide something quick and I gave blank stares to Sudhir! Finally after half hour of pinnacle, we finally ordered something! While they were galloping the dish names, I could just put my finger across the item name.

Maar Daala O-s(hy)ama

Sudhir ordered Manchurian with some meatballs, while the latter ordered cheese Momos and mushrooms. I decided to order honey chilly potato with some fillers (Mouth watering already!).

While we were waiting for “the gorge”, Mr. Shyama was sharing his expert opinions about the evolution behind the “Chinese food”… “Look dude Chinese names me hamesha Chow aur Chi zaroor hota hai, aise hi unki dishes mein (there are always words like Chow or Chi in Chinese names, similar thing applies to the cuisine) like CHOWmein, manCHOWrian, CHIlly patato, etc… We had some good bemused stares from the people around, and I was already imagining the cook doing his Kung-Fu practice on Shyama.

The food was here finally, and the attendant gave him a stern gaze. But, as undeterred and super intellect he was, couldn’t refrain from his absolute stance. He wanted to eat in “proper Chinese style” to show off his laurels, and asked the attendant to get CHOPSTICKS! “We don’t have chopsticks here sir, people rarely use it”, the attendant replied, trying to be courteous. Arre, how can you say “we don’t have it” Shyama was at his irritating best, and Sudhir was snooping!

After some good verbal arguments, they finally got him the chopsticks! Those chopsticks ate 40 more minutes from my already starved appetite. It was 3.30pm when I finally started with my lunch, and that too was on stake! The fillers were good, and the Chilly potatoes were sending shivers down with the extra spice, but never mind it was a breather for me (or so I thought!)
Mr Shyama on the other hand was picking up with the art of “Chopsticks”, along the first piece laden with sauce and a swollen pride! On the way to his mouth even the mushroom was terrified of that territory, and there it slipped out of his chopstick and landed right on my face and then on my shirt (as if crying for help). I could for once forgive him for sauce on my face, but not for the big red blot on my favorite Levi’s shirt… I stood up and almost shouted something. But then I realized it would just waste the whole ordeal, and I was back to my chair.

For the next 40 minutes he was babbling and murmuring, but thankfully he couldn’t speak much! We left the restaurant around 4.15 pm. Roaming around, we went shopping into nooks and corners, and every time Mr. Shyama had his “EXCERPT OPINIONS”! While in Palika Bazaar, he caught hold of a salesman calling “Italian Leather Sir, genuine leather belt, only Rs. 2300 Sir” 

Italian leather

“Sharm aani chahiye tujhe, kya milta hai masum janwaron ko maar ke! Aur wo bhi Italian janwaron ko!” (Shame on you for killing innocent animals, that too Italian) His hands caught the salesman’s collar, and I was sure we’ll be beaten black and blue now
The terrorist in Os(hy)ama was at full swing!!

“Abe kahan se aya hai” salesman said, while Sudhir himself felt embarrassed this time, he was talking to the salesman to let go. But Mr. Shyama – “Narak Bhogega tu” (you’ll go to hell)! And then there were people watching the free premiere accompanied by a herd of other shopkeepers who joined in to support the salesman.

Now I was bound not to speak, and Sudhir was handling this stuff. Those little frowns on his face were soothing to soul! Things were going out of proportions, and then Sudhir took the salesman to a corner and said “Yaar iska thora problem hai, tragedy hui thi uski saath, jaane de dost” (friend he’s got some problems in life, please don’t mind)

But then the salesman was loud enough “To isko baandh ke rakho na”, and I could hear mumbles of laughter. Finally, after a lot of persuasion the storm settled, it was already 6’0 clock and we were heading back home.

This time the bus was better (only in a way that there was breathing space at least) and my foremost concern was getting a seat for Rajesh ASAP, I was pretty tired and another scuffle was just a big NO.

15 minutes into the drive, and he got a seat next to a chirpy old man… They started talking about old days and Shyama was quite hyper proving that the new generation is lot better than the oldies.

Another grueling session was on the cards, with the old man a step ahead in proving his points. Things went awry and they were now shouting at the top of their voices with gestures referring to other passengers who were already having a good time. Some smirks, some giggles and whispers followed every comment.

But I wasn’t much bothered now, or maybe coz the watch was telling me “it’s 7.15 dude, couple of more minutes and you’ll be enjoying a grand dinner at the TAJ”. The tension was now shifting its base to Mr. Sudhir, with frown lines clearly visible on his adulterated face.

Nevertheless, we reached home at around 7.40, and I was almost there. It was an overstretched day, so I decided to take a shower while Sudhir and Shyama discussed things. A good long show was what the cerebellum ordered to avoid last-minute complications, I did just that!

The Clock struck 7.55, and I was back into the room, holding back my smile. Sudhir had a wicked reaction (quite unusual to the situation), and Shyama was silent! Something had gone horribly wrong…

I looked at Sudhir with puzzled eyes, and then to Shyama, I could see my laptop lying beneath him! And then my worst fears came true, “Yaar galti se maine tera SYSTEM FORMAT kar diya”… A lightning struck me, it had all the data that was damn crucial, my office projects, my unfinished novel, colossal torrents, and above all the “My next week presentation”!

I fiddled through the laptop with a faint hope only to find that all the drives were formatted! It was BRAND NEW now! Blood rushed through my veins onto my head I caught hold of Shyama and punched his face with a fierce potential.

The volcano of words swept over, I almost wilted a whole paragraph of undermined abuses in a single go! Sudhir’s wicked grin was back again…

I was relieved, but then I lost the deal within a matter of 5 minutes!

Crazy things people do!!!

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Maar daala O-S(hy)ama (Part1)

“You promised yourself to not talk to anyone for 12 hours. But after 11 hours and 55 minutes you could not take it anymore, and ended up shouting out”. Here’s how and why!

Wednesday morning came as a surprise for me, just got up on the wrong side of bed and found one of the most irritating characters standing in front of me.

Shyam Vinayak (nicknamed Shyama) has been notoriously popular in the friend circle for his unruly and irritatingly foolhardy behavior. He carries a certain allure that makes even the most dignified and societal creatures to blurt out like maniacs!

Imagine yourself, waking up in the morning and finding yourself right into the perpetual set of “Bheja Fry”! I’ll tell u that’s just too scary!

Morning blues

“Hey Shyam, what are you doing at my place that too early morning??” I exclaimed, citing what’s going on! “ Arre kuch nae yaar main bus aise he kahin jaa raha tha aur tera ghar raste mein tha, to socha mil lun”! (I would have sued the Civil Engineer for this misplacement of my home!!)

“U’ll have tea or coffee” I said, getting back to the conversation! “Two Coffees, a cream bun and maybe some paranthas would do” he was almost fixative there!

“Now what’s with 2 cuppa coffe”, was my prompt reply! Dude Sudhir bhi aaya hai, he’s waiting out there! (Sudhir, an ad maker who cherished some strange satisfaction in making people suffer) Here he was in the living room, to fetch happiness out of my life!

Good morning Sudhir, how’ve you been? That’s a (un)pleasant surprise (hidden feelings) “ Nothing much was just thinking of a new Ad concept actually, so thought to catch up with you guys to discuss” – a pre-empted reply it was, and I could smell trouble trailing the day!

“That’s interesting” I said vehemently, what’s the concept all about? “Something distinct yet similar” he exclaimed grabbing a chair! I am working on a scenario wherein you have to take the challenge of keeping mum for just half-a-day in favor of a grand dinner at “The Taj”. (The deal was too sumptuous to resist)

Seems fun, but what’s the catch?? I was impromptu… Well it goes like: “You have to keep the silence going, with a person of my choice!! There was a strange shrewd crimp in his voice, which I didn’t figure out then. “That’s pretty easy!” I told myself, not sensing the danger!! “Alright buddy, let’s start with me, what say??” I was anticipating a positive reply!

Sudhir readily agreed and said “ok your time starts now, and there’s NO U-TURN here” a wicked grin made me nervous upfront. He then turned to Shyama and said “You’ll have to accompany him the whole day”!

Bwaha! I was trapped, should’ve sensed the danger, but it was too late to back off! The breakfast ended with a lot of whining around the distinctive taste buds. (And yes the characteristic talks of Mr. Shyama)

Star Wars

Then came some DVD’s (Needed something to survive a day with this mental Tsunami!) The bet started at 8 in the morning, and it was around 10 a.m that we starting watching movies. With star wars being the first one showcased, I was bombarded with some mind-boggling questions like, why’s this spaceship not rectangular! Don’t they feel suffocated in those attires?? Why are the stars themselves not fighting! Why are stars like what they are! What if moon and sun interrupt the STAR WARS, what eclipse it would be and blah blah! I somehow survived those two ODD hours…PHEW!!

Those infuriating gaffes made me feel like a “Fish without water”, but with an uncanny valor, i faced those blows like a defiant warrior!

It was 12 now and we thought to explore things on a driveway, and there we were… three of us in the pinching and effervescently shining sunlight! Junes make things worse for you, especially in Delhi, where the sun rays pierce through your skin, unbuttoning heap of sweat and frustration. For me things were a double whammy, with Mr. Sun and Mr. Shyama, equating a well-defined persecute.

Half past twelve (afternoon), we were waiting for bus no. 836. Satish was accompanying us with his treacherous Hawk Eye! “Thankfully AC buses fall in this route and at least heat would spare my day”, I told myself! But, then maybe it was bound to be a horrifying day…DTC Strike!!! Now what we could manage was a rickety, overcrowded minibus, and given a height of 6 feet it was BANG-BANG!!

The radio played an old pathetic hindi number “atariya pe lotan kabootar”, and this Mithun fan lived up to the spirit! Ambitious whistling around and high-pitched audio rehearsal with an blemished urge to dance! Blemished because, the “Pan Masalas” were doing their bit by occasional showers from the fellow passengers. Then, i don’t know why, the seat next to the driver was vacant, and our very own “Sample” got control of it.

And then, the driver went out of control!

Driver saab

He started gaining breath, and we (me and the driver) started losing temper! “How long have you been into this profession bhaiya! how much do you earn, for how long you can drive in a go?? Are you married?? what’s the maximum speed this bus can achieve??” For once, we almost brushed past an accident! I wanted to shout, but i couldn’t…

Sudhir was loving it, i could sense that from his expressions!

The next thing i remember was some very polite “Haryanvi abuses” stabbing the eardrums for 15 continuous minutes. For a moment, i thought i would witness “Street Fighter – part5“, but as i mentioned “a bad day“, Mr. torture wasn’t somehow in “Blue of health“!

It was around 2 when we reached CP, and then Lunch time! We went to a Chinese Restaurant, and then the menu with tongue twisting names was next on my Foe’s list. I was hungry and going bananas, but my dear friend was busy fiddling with the item names.

What happened next??? Well that would be coming soon in Maar daala O-S(hy)ama (Part2)

Stay tuned to this space, and do lemme know how’s my first ” SO CALLED STORY”!

Crazy ideas are also welcome!! 😉

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Engliss Mein Angrezi!!

Engliss mein Angrezi!

Yes the peoples, don’t startle your mind, this blog is about the human species which make engliss “a phunny language”!! 😀 Of late, I have seen many people taking this foreign repository to unimaginable heights. This blog post is dedicated to some of the most introspective and (Un)conceptual English blue poppers 😀

Read On!!

P.S: This blog is NOT a work of fiction, and is just for some good clean fun! No Offence Intended 🙂

Now that I am done with the “Statuary Warning” lets “HIC IT” 🙂


With some of my professional excursions, I have come across a variety of mind squandering formal way of communication that justifies your absence from “Office Swe(a)t Office” 😉 Yup that’s right, I am talking about leave applications 🙂

Here are some

  • “Since I have to go to my town to sell my land along with my wife, please sanction me one-week leave.” – Really!
  • Another gem! Leave-letter from an employee who was performing his daughter’s wedding: “As I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week’s leave.” – oops!!
  • “As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it, please grant me 10 days leave.” – Look how responsible you are 😀
  • Another employee applied for half day leave as follows: “Since I’ve to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clock and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave” – May the soul rest in piece 😀
  • “I am suffering from fever, please declare one-day holiday.” – PM calling!!
  • Covering note: “Dear Sir: with reference to the above, please refer to my below…” – a dirty referral! 😛
  • “My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave” – No Bigamy allowed sir! 🙂

Guess those were not enough! 😛 Here’s a candidate’s job application:

“This has reference to your advertisement calling for a ‘ Typist and an Accountant – Male or Female’… As I am both (Insert a thunderclap here) for the past several years and I can handle both with good experience , I am applying for the post.

SMOKIN!! 😀 😉

Open and closed

A friend of mine who’s been taking some interviews of late, helped me compile these tongue babbling “masterpieces”

  • “I am 2 design 2 option for you and i am wait good reply to your side”
  • “I have 1 year of experience in out bound proses.”
  • “The design is with some circle design to to as logo is also little round” – what goes in comes a-round 😉
  • “I am very punctual in making time “ – Contact soon for the time machine!
  • “It was the talli sells marketing – Hic Hic!! 😛
  • “To link my self with a reputed intuition for being dependable candidate of it for my future and to prove my efficiency…” – Friend you’ve done that!

Some more

  • “It was an unexpected surprise when a pair of baby twins was born at 12 midnight”!! – a twin surprise indeed!
  • If you give me a chance, I can put my best effort to your entire organization. I hope you have a very favorably reply. – I can bet on that 😀
  • Joining after interview : soon as soon possible!! – WOW!! 🙂
  • Pls Revert Me as soon as Possible and Sorry for that mail the late project because We Have Some Critical problems. – Very Critical indeed 😀
  • So we wants to knowledge of rate of products, we are requested to please you send us details

These bungled gaffes are irrespective of your country, age, gender, and Blah Blah! With a common interface of “the urge to innovate and astonish” 😉

For the closing I would rather say that “All’s well that ends in a well” 😛 😀

Keep Smiling!! 🙂

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